Disgusted and angry, I reflect on my recent failures. I have such beautiful dreams for myself and others. Thoughts and goals dancing around my mind breezily. I can do so much better, yet not until I leave the house. My haven of safety is now my prison. The blog had a setback. Here’s what is going on. I need to do this experiment, to see if my spiritual life and a 12 step meeting would help me overcome bipolar 2 and generalized anxiety disorder. That sounds grand, but when time to go to church drew near, I thought of all the people who would be there. Worshiping, singing like angels (I sound like a toad, so I only mouth the words to songs), looking so beautiful or handsome and nearly church professional. The time would come to take communion, and then to walk up the isle with the others. Second nature to them I suppose, but to me, it feels like the green mile.
On the pew, I will be scared to death and sweating, totally out of place and inadequate. Feeling like I should not even attempt their level of spirituality, it seems hopeless as of now, but the time will come that attending will be a joy. As it relates to my blog, a responsibility to go remains. Any advice on how to re-enter life after hiding away for 8 months will be appreciated.
I have to make myself do this, but how? Deep down inside I know the only answer is in the spiritual realm. Having sunk so far down into the bone-chilling blackness of isolation, I know it’s going to take God to get me back out. I have not been this low forever.
There has to be an alternate answer. A solution that does not involve completely changing who I am to make me more acceptable to friends, family, and society. Medications I am taking help everyone but me. Misery still surrounds on psychotropics, it is just numbed.
My bipolar was rather stable until the middle of May. My dad committed suicide and although we were not close it did something to me. He was also diagnosed bipolar, and even from a distance, I felt close to him because we had many of the same personality problems. Having been in a very dark place, I still have not returned to the way I was functioning before this happened. Maybe I will blog more on that some other time, but I have to be cautious not to think about it for very long, or my depression can easy spiral right back down.
Can anyone explain how I can”pull myself up by the bootstraps”? Church is Sunday, today is Saturday. I have until tomorow morning to psyche myself up. But how? It is tough to have a mental illness, I know what I need to do, yet I have to do it differently than others. There is nothing difficult about this, yet there is nothing more complicated.